(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
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My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.