Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My love language is deader than Latin
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.