I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
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Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.