why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
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“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?