A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Geez man, take it easy.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
2022 be like
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?