Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
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I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.