if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Sharon I have some bad news
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings