Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
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Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”