*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
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[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
new year update: losing everything but weight
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I have two kinds of followers
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.