Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
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You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
that de-escalated quickly
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Had a spot of bother earlier.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere