why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Going to church you guys need anything
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”