I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
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Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Adultry does not sound fun at all
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.