My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
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me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
me irl
accurate
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.