Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
lmfao
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
first you must answer his riddles
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.