Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”