Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
just got my engagement photos
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I know this now 😂
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
mathematically impossible
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.