HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
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Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
The 6 types of sex
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Noted.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.