2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
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At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van