{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Girlfriend: It鈥檚 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Truth
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don鈥檛 know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 馃槓
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I鈥檓 looking at those instead of watching where I鈥檓 going
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn鈥檛 say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*