I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
A woman drives into a bar.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap