*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
crazy
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source