I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
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Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Breaking news:
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.