Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Aaaa…CHOO!
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes