Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
You Might Also Like
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I only look at Wordle for the articles
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough