I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
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We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”