Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.