I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
You Might Also Like
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.