‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Unimpressed
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.