Me if I was a dog
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I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.