JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
You Might Also Like
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
The cashier just checked me out.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.