11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
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Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”