I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
IT’S-A ME,
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*