Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
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Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM