So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
You Might Also Like
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better