The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
so this horse walks into a bar
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Left at a local drug store…
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.