IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Okay, I’m still confused…
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.