I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
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Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually