I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Every damn time
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation