She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
me refusing to leave twitter
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!