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Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
How does one answer this?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.