damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
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Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
This is not me but this is me
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Stop.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.