The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
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“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Now this is how you LinkedIn
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket