Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
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Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I think they could have phrased this better
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.