Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
You Might Also Like
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses