Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.