This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
You Might Also Like
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
In Canada they just call them geese
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk