You Might Also Like
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.