Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.