Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication