Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Growing out my freckles.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.